Tetched by Thaddeus Rutkowski

Author:Thaddeus Rutkowski
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Behler Publications, LLC

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

To stretch our food money, my college roommate and I made gallons of orange juice from quart containers of concentrate. When we had guests, we would serve them the mixture. “There’s plenty,” we would say as we held out a gallon jug filled with pale-orange liquid.

Our guests would say, “This is good, but it tastes weak.”

“If you drink more,” we would say, “it’s really tangy!”

*

My roommate and I prepared only two dishes, which we shared with each other on alternate days. One was pasta with tomato sauce, thickened with onion. The other was canned chow mein served over rice.

Between dinners, we ate peanut butter-and-jelly sandwiches.

My roommate claimed he’d eaten only eggs before he moved in with me. He’d boiled or fried them, then washed them down with water. He’d gone through a dozen eggs a day.

We used food stamps to pay for provisions. When our coupon allotment came through, the first items we bought were ten-pound bags of rice and onions. Then we loaded up on pasta, tomato sauce, chow mein and PB&J.

*

We made sculptures from the trash we generated. We were art majors, after all. For one piece, my roommate coated the inside of a grated-cheese jar with green ink. The intense color, seen through the glass, made the red letters of the brand name stand out.

Another time, I wrapped some uneaten spaghetti in plastic and froze it. The hardened dish retained its bright-orange color, and the shiny wrapping made it look crystalline, like a geological specimen.

*

One night, a couple of friends came to our place to play cards. My roommate and I made a special dish: chopped meat mixed with powdered extender, served over macaroni.

Before our game of Hearts, my roommate rolled a marijuana cigarette. The doobie was as thick as a cigar.

We played for a while, until one of the friends, without warning, threw up on the table. I couldn’t understand why he didn’t just get up and walk to the toilet, or at least to the kitchen sink, which was right behind him.

“It was the leaf,” he explained. “I swallowed something green. I can’t eat anything green. I had to bring it up.”

“Why couldn’t you have eaten the Queen of Hearts instead?” someone asked.

Later, the sick person lay down on a mattress and fell asleep. Someone found a can of shaving cream and covered him with white foam.

When the sleeper finally woke, he didn’t get angry. He just brushed the foam off his clothing, put on his coat, and left.

*

On another occasion, I invited a female student for dinner. After the spaghetti and orange juice, she said, “You know, you could go to the supermarket and buy something like tuna fish. That would be a change for the better. Besides, it contains fish protein, which is healthier than meat protein.”

“I’d rather survive on cigarettes and coffee,” I said.

“You’re a scary person,” she said.

*

My roommate and I staged an art show in a student community center. We filled a wood-paneled room with painted food containers and frozen leftovers.

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